By Cynthia Cummings-Walker
As I stood peering through my living room window, I could see people going about their lives as though it was an ordinary day. At that time, I couldn’t understand how everything outside seemed so normal when it should have stopped the way my world did. Everything had come crashing down in a pile of rubble. I was in one of the worst nightmares imaginable. I couldn’t wake up from this. It wasn’t a dream. It was reality. My child was dead.
I realize that people die every day and life goes on for all of the rest of us. In my case, I wondered why a loving parent’s child could die, while horrendous parents can see their child live throughout their lifetime. Of course I would never want anyone’s child to die. Not even my worst enemy. My point is that my precious Rachel was so deeply loved. She had the best life possible for her. Now it was all over in seemingly a flash. How could life just go on as though she were never here? I was inconsolable.
Memorial Planning While Grief-stricken
During that week my husband and I had to notify people that Rachel had passed away. We had to make arrangements with a Funeral Director, write an obituary, decide how we wanted the Memorial service to be carried out, and what the menu would be for the luncheon afterwards. The way I was grieving over my beloved Rachel, I barely had the strength or mental capacity to do any of it. All of this was a lot to expect from grief-stricken parents, yet it had to be done.
As heartbroken as I was because my child died, I somehow knew that the excruciating pain I was feeling was only the tip of the iceberg. So much of what transpired during that time period was a blur to me. I didn’t remember much about the Memorial service, who was there or what people said to me afterwards. A couple of days after Rachel’s funeral there was an article in the Akron Beacon Journal newspaper about Rachel’s memorial service. That is how I know exactly what happened.
Totally Incapacitated by Grief
After the service I went home and retreated to my bedroom, undressed and got into bed where I would stay for a solid week. I felt literally paralyzed by the pain. I kept a headache from constantly crying. My eyes were almost swollen shut. All of my strength was gone. The tsunami of pain I somehow sensed would be coming, had hit. I only had the strength to go to the bathroom. Nothing else.
Thank God I had close friends who knew how much I loved Rachel and how devastated I was. They cried with me. They did their best to comfort and encourage me. They prayed and helped where assistance was needed. I didn’t have to ask. These loving actions were such a blessing.
After several days, a dear friend, who is a psychiatrist, suggested that I should think about getting professional help in order to move forward. It was obvious to my loved ones that I was incapacitated by grief and despair.
Professional Help Needed to Manage Grief
Although hesitant about the unknown, I heeded our friend’s advice and sought professional help. It was definitely the right advice and decision since I couldn’t pull myself out of the slump. I couldn’t pray my way out of it either. As a Christian I chose a Christian psychiatrist. It was such a good choice.
I was not simply medicated and expected to talk about my feelings. My therapist stressed the importance of praying daily and reading encouraging scriptures from the bible, or a daily devotional. Our sessions were insightful and challenging. Combining all of the aforementioned placed me on solid ground and enabled me to move forward through the process of grieving my child’s death.
Some people think that a Christian should just pray and trust God to solve every problem supernaturally. Some Christians believe that if a person needs some other assistance, that is a sign of a lack of faith and spirituality. Sometimes the very person who says that, is wearing eyeglasses, has had surgery, or is on some type of daily medication.
The same way they needed medical intervention, so does a person who needs emotional support. A grief-stricken person cannot pray their way out of their situation any more than a person who needs a dentist, ophthalmologist or medical doctor can just pray their ailment away. No matter who you are, a professional therapist is sometimes needed.
With love and therapy the pain of it all had somewhat dissipated. I began to resume life in my new normal. I answered phone calls and visits from friends. I felt like I was surrounded in a cocoon of loving support. It strengthened me. It eased my pain. That was until I left the safety of my home.
Words Can Help or Hurt the Grieving
Once I began to venture out and saw people that knew my daughter had passed away, I entered the surreal world of being a parent of a child who had died. The inconsiderate things some people said to me were almost unbelievable, inconceivable.
When someone dies, I know people can be at a loss for words. When a child passes away, saying the right thing is probably much more difficult. I’m sure people’s intent is to comfort the grieving parent; however, when a person is unsure about what to say, their statements can be more hurtful than helpful. Certain words said to me over and over by different people felt like salt in an open wound.
In terms of what not to say to a parent whose child has passed away, these are 5 things that should not be said.
5 DON’TS
- Please don’t say: “My mother, father, (fill in the blank) died and I know just how you feel.” No matter how close a person is to their parent, parents dying before their child is part of the cycle of life. Unless you have had a child die, you don’t know, and don’t want to know the depth of this pain. Even another parent of a child who passed away cannot say they know exactly how another grieving parent feels. Circumstances make a difference.
- Please don’t start quoting scriptures or anecdotal idioms. People gave me all kinds of scripture that they felt might be uplifting, when in fact it had the opposite effect on me. Scripture is appropriate when given in the proper time and context. Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 clarifies that there is a specific time and season for everything. I believe the best scripture a person can be guided by in times of grief and loss is to weep with those who weep; and “mourn with those who mourn.” Romans 12:15b (NIV) No advice required.
- Please don’t say to a grieving parent that their child is in heaven and isn’t suffering any more. My child may be in heaven, but my arms are empty. My very soul is deeply troubled and wounded by an unimaginable depth of pain. People need to realize that “Singing cheerful songs to a person with a heavy heart is like… pouring vinegar in a wound.” Proverbs 25:20 (NLT)
- Please don’t say: “Everything happens for a reason so you should be over this by now.” Grief has no time limit. No matter how many years or decades have passed, a parent will forever love their child and carry the scars of that love lost.
- Please don’t say: “At least you have another child or other children.” Which one of your children that you love with all your heart and soul could fill the void left by the beloved child who passed away? A person who is trying to support someone in sorrow needs to know that even if some things are true, they are not helpful. In fact, they are hurtful when a parent is sorrowful.
5 DO’s
If you want to be an encouragement to a parent whose child has passed away, here are 5 things you can say and do that could be a comfort:
- Say “I’m so sorry for your loss.” Or “I love you.” Or “I’m praying for you.” The fewer the words, the better. There is less of a chance to hurt or offend.
- Sympathy cards and notes let a parent know that you are thinking about them. Shortly after my daughter passed away, I received a full-page letter from a parent whose child had also passed away. The letter really ministered to me because that mother seemed to know just what I needed.
- Be an attentive listener. Being silent can be uncomfortable for the consoler. I assure you it is not for the parent. Many times the parent may need to just talk about their child, or the circumstances surrounding their child’s death. However, if the parent asks a question, give a succinct answer.
- Take cues from the parent. Parents grieve differently. Some parents want to talk about their child. Some want to grieve privately so they need space. The amount of contact you have with a grieving parent should be in line with how well you knew them before the tragedy.
- You can do, or give, something special if you want to memorialize their child. After my child passed away a couple we knew came over with a shovel and dirt and planted a beautiful flowering bush in Rachel’s honor. Another person heard about Rachel and brought an incredibly special gift to honor Rachel. It was a beautiful little girl with wings, holding a dove. Words can not express how much I was encouraged and comforted by these actions.
There is No Quick Fix for Those Who Grieve
No matter what is said, or done, nothing can fix this. Nothing will bring my child back to life. Acts of kindness, compassion and support can help in the healing process. Psalm 147:3 lets us know that the Lord heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Scars do remain. God does take away the sting of death and gives the grace to move on and enjoy life again. Some days may be bittersweet, yet we do the best we can with what remains.
I received so much strength and comfort during the darkest time of my life. I want to live out the scripture in 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 “…God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.” (NLT).
God uses ordinary people to accomplish His purposes. My heartfelt desire is to impart to others what has been poured into me. Rachel’s life, and death mattered. Every child’s does.
What has been your experience when dealing with grief personally, or in regard to someone else?
A Word to the Wise 