Lifeandbibleblog.com
By Cynthia Cummings-Walker
What does it mean to forgive? It is to stop feeling angry, bitter, or resentful toward someone because of an offense.
Forgive is a difficult word, and concept. Some people believe that to forgive means they condone or excuse a person’s actions. Others believe that if they forgive, they leave themselves open for more abuse. Some people say, “I can forgive but I will never forget.” Others say that they will not do either one.
What does it mean to forget? “To lose the remembrance of; be unable to think or recall; to disregard intentionally.”
Why Should I Forgive?
“If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins. Matthew 6:14 (NLT). We all sin. Forgiving others is the gateway to receiving forgiveness for ourselves.
Forgiving does not mean condoning. Forgiving others is what God requires for our own good. If we remain angry and bitter, it would be like drinking poison and waiting for the offender to drop dead. Forgiving is not only obedience to God. It benefits us.
From a natural perspective it has been medically proven that forgiveness is like an internal cleansing. It has been medically proven that the act of forgiveness lowers the risk of heart attack; improves cholesterol levels and sleep; drop in stress hormones; lowers blood pressure; allows for a stronger immune system; reduces anxiety, depression, and stress. Forgiving benefits the forgiver, more than the forgiven.
I’m not saying that it is as easy as 1,2,3. It takes a lot of prayer and hard work to let go of the anger and bitterness associated with a painful past. The Lord never commands us to do anything that is impossible to do. He has made a way for those who will obey.
There are Consequences for Unforgiveness
There is a parable in Matthew 18:23–35 (NASB) that tells the story of a servant who owed the king a large sum of money but couldn’t repay the debt. He pleaded with the king to have mercy and forgive the debt. It was forgiven. That same servant went out and found a fellow servant who owed him a ridiculously small amount of money that he couldn’t repay. The forgiven servant had no mercy and had the fellow servant thrown into prison. The master found out and sent for his servant.
“Then the king called in the man he had forgiven and said, ‘You evil servant! I forgave you that tremendous debt because you pleaded with me. Shouldn’t you have mercy on your fellow servant, just as I had mercy on you?’ Then the angry king sent the man to prison to be tortured until he had paid his entire debt. “That’s what my heavenly Father will do to you if you refuse to forgive your brothers and sisters from your heart.” Matthew 18:32–35 (NLT)
Everyone will reap what they sow. (Galatians 6:7). Sow forgiveness, reap forgiveness. Sow unforgiveness, reap unforgiveness. This is straightforward. The Lord gives no “out” for not forgiving. This is a command.
God Forgets our Sins
God never commands Christians to do anything that is impossible to do. Not only must we forgive, but we also have to forget. God forgives and forgets our wrongdoings.
Jeremiah 31:34 (NASB) God says…. “for I will forgive their iniquity, and their sin I will remember no more.” Isaiah 43:25 (NASB) “I, even I, am the one who wipes out your transgressions…, And I will not remember your sins.”
Being willing and able to forgive is based on a person’s character and spiritual maturity. God loves us based on who He is; not on who we are. He forgives us based on His love for us; not because we are so loveable.
You may say, okay, I can forgive but not forget because I am not God. You don’t have to be. God has designed a system in the human brain that helps people do exactly that – the ability to remember or forget anything that enters the mind.
How to Forget – Brain’s Reticular Activating System
In the human brain there is a bundle of neurons near the brain stem that sort massive amounts of information. It acts as a filter for information the brain receives. It detects and lets in information that is important to a person because they spend a lot of time focusing on it. The system dismisses information the brain can do without because we don’t spend a lot of time thinking about it. Scientifically it is referred to as the Reticular Activating System (RAS).
Have you ever driven home, maybe listening to the radio or talking and before you know it, you’re home? You really didn’t have to think about every stop and turn. The route is so familiar it’s as though the car had driven itself. This is the RAS at work.
People who live near an airport, busy highways or train tracks don’t seem to hear the airplanes, trains or vehicles passing by. As a visitor you hear each one. It’s not important for the resident to hear, so the brain filters out the sounds.
When in a room full of people talking, we don’t distinguish what they are saying. However, if you hear your name, whether they are talking about you or not, it gets your attention. The brain knows that your name is something important to you, so you hear it.
The same way the brain can retain useful information, it eliminates things that a person doesn’t think about regularly. The more you think about something painful from the past, or talk about it, the brain thinks it’s important to you and retains the memories. If you stop thinking and talking about a certain situation the brain will delete it from memory.
The RAS mediates behavior. It does not distinguish good or bad. It just determines what is useful to you and what is not. This is how a person can remember or forget.
Follow Joseph’s Example
Can a person really forget when the offense is connected to trauma? Yes, if they are willing.
Joseph’s life is depicted in Genesis Chapters 37-50 . He experienced a lot of trauma. He was betrayed by his brothers and sold into slavery. He was taken to Egypt, falsely accused of attempted assault of Pharoah’s wife and sent to prison. In prison Joseph interpreted a dream for the chief cupbearer who said he would tell Pharaoh that Joseph had interpreted the dream. He didn’t.
Joseph languished in prison for two more years before he was released for interpreting a dream for the Pharoah. Joseph was elevated to a position of authority. Long story short, there was a famine in the land. Joseph’s brothers ended up having to come to Egypt for food. Joseph recognized them and told them who he was, gave them food and invited them to move to Egypt so he could make sure they were okay.
His brothers feared retaliation. Joseph said to them: “As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result, to preserve many people alive.” Genesis 50:20 (NASB)
Joseph could have been angry and bitter over what his brothers did to him, and took revenge. Instead, “he said, “God has made me forget all my trouble and all my father’s household.” Genesis 41:51 (NASB)
Decide to Forgive and Forget
No matter what kind of abuse, betrayal, heartache, or pain you’ve endured, God can use it for good. Joseph went from a pit to the palace. He forgave and forgot. He realized in the end certain things needed to happen in order for him to be the great and powerful man he became.
The Apostle Paul, who wrote half of the New Testament, was consistently beaten, thrown in prison, suffered a lot of pain, betrayal, and rejection from people. The Apostle Paul wrote: ““…dear brothers and sisters,…I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead,” Philippians 3:13 (NLT)
God requires people to forgive if we want to be forgiven by Him. No one is perfect and everyone needs forgiveness at some point. Forgiving yourself for anything you may have done, or neglected to do, is also extremely important. Thank God that He has created the RAS system in our brains that will allow us to forget anything we don’t want to remember.
My questions for you are: Is there anyone you need to forgive and forget for the trauma you experienced? Is it that you believe you can’t forgive and forget, or you just refuse to? Pray and trust God. He will give you the wisdom and strength you need to accomplish His purpose for your life. It is not impossible.
PLEASE FEEL FREE TO COMMENT ON ISSUES OF FORGIVING OR NOT FORGIVING, WHY?
A Word to the Wise 
Cynthia, I’ve read and heard many biblical instructions of why forgiveness is necessary. Unconditional forgiveness seems to be the mantra. In other words, forgiveness should include, “ forget”. This is where most of us, Christian or not, gets stuck. How can we forget? Your explanation was excellent and rare when it comes to answers. RAS is something we experience every day, yet fail to apply as a response to painful experiences. How can I forget when I hold onto and revisit wrongs? No wonder I continue to attempt to forgive yet find myself wondering did I really forgive?
What I applaud about this post is the genuine approach and forethought to address the part of forgiveness we struggle with…..remembering the offense.
Thank you! You are gifted and I appreciate your authenticity.
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Thanks so much for your response. It is very encouraging. I hope that you will be able to help others with this concept because you see it so clearly. It may be a hard pill to swallow for some, but we know it’s good medicine. :0) Blessings!
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Thank you Cindy ,this is beautiful I will be reading this again in study mode.I needed this ❤️
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Thanks so much Deb!
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Grab a cup of tea or coffee, In response to this excellent blog so full of truth, wisdom, knowledge and love, I want to share my personal, “hardest thing I ever did”, yet beautiful experience with forgiveness and forgetting. I just kept nodding from experience as I read this blog entry! I was married close to 30 years when my husband at the time, asked for a divorce to marry his mistress!! He asked for the divorce on the very day I got diagnosed with an illness that had no cure and the doctor’s said I would die! I was absolutely devastated!! I thought how could he leave me and how could he leave me now? After losing my own way and facing my new health reality, I realized that if I were going to die, I was not about to greet the Lord in heaven holding my head in shame overflowing with anger! My first fight was to not give another human being that kind of power over me; where I would shipwreck my faith and stand before God ashamed because of the choices that I made from a place of pain. God started wooing me with His lovingkindness in the midst of my horrific pain, I could see His loving touches through my painful process! This caused me to reconnect with Jesus through the Word of God, prayer, good spiritual food from a good church and some strong Sisters in the Lord to hold me accountable, pray and encourage me. I also gave myself the gift of therapy and began the journey to freedom, healing, forgiveness and forgetting. I will not take credit for initiating forgiveness towards my former husband. It was ALL God! He set the stage! My second fight: My part was to choose obedience to God and surrender my heart and mind to His plan of forgiveness! As Cynthia stated, “It takes a lot of prayer and hard work to let go of the anger and bitterness associated with a painful past.” I could not have done it without God’s strength, love, grace and patience; along with the compass and soothing balm of His Word. Verses like Romans 12:2, And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect. The world said, “Don’t forgive!! That person doesn’t deserve it. But forgiveness proves God’s will as good, acceptable and perfect. Cynthia also said, “For Christians, forgiving is a must. God commands it. The Bible makes it clear that forgiving others is the gateway to receiving forgiveness”. And I desperately wanted and needed God’s forgiveness for myself! I could relate to the parable Cynthia quoted in Matthew 18:23–35! I truly got in touch with how God had forgiving me, so how could I not forgive my former husband!
I had a host of verses I leaned on and made myself believe these promises over my own feelings that were saying the opposite of God’s word! My son’s words rang in my heart as well, “our emotions can betray us”! God’s word is sure and true, it will never betray us!
Hence, I decided, forced and fought myself at times to believe God’s word over my emotions. This was a repeated action, sometimes it felt like a million times in one day! Through lots of gut wrenching, ugly crying and wailing, often in a fetal position or in the shower; (side note) the shower drain became my altar of tears and release. My process was ugly but worth it! I remember the day I sensed God saying, face the pain! I said, no God! It’s going to kill me! I sensed Him whispering, I am with you! In my often fetal position, I felt something like a weighted blanket on me. I say it was God wrapping Himself around me! I faced all of the pain and it hit me soooo hard, but all I could feel was buffered blows. I don’t know how long I was like this, but when I sensed the pain had stopped, I stood up and put my hands on my hips like a Super Woman!! I thanked God for letting me survive the pain and I said, Lord, lets do this life, I am all Yours!! I experienced God with me in my pain, and I knew I was going to be more than OK!
As I spent time with God and His word, He started transforming my mind and healing my heart. I remember the day I sensed God saying to my heart, “I am giving you two gifts, 1. The gift of forgiveness to give to my former husband. 2. The gift of acceptance that he no longer wanted me. We had been together from age 18 to 52 years old. So I knew these two gifts did not come from me, LOL…it was divinely given to me by God. My part was to surrender and accept the gifts. The moment I said, “Yes, Lord, I accept Your gifts and I will forgive him and accept he no longer wants me. The anger and harsh emotions began to melt away. This was crucial to my freedom and healing. The bondage of unforgiveness was broken. In my humanity, I tried to conjur up the old anger and remember the horrible betrayal. I asked myself, Why? Why was I returning back to what God had delivered me from? I prayed and asked God to keep me, sustain me in His deliverance of forgiveness and forgetting. God has answered that prayer!! Now, I no longer want to conjur up the gory details! That’s sweet freedom!! Of course, we have a real enemy, Satan, who plays by no rules! I fight him like Jesus fought him in the wilderness! I speak God’s word over myself and to the enemy when my flesh or his tactics try to turn my thoughts back. Now I do have what I call divorce residue, which is natural and normal. I will have “triggered moments” of both good and bad, that yes, causes a temporary ache, but no longer a deep pain that stays. I do allow myself to sit with Jesus and feel it, then I decide to release it and thank the Lord for continued freedom of forgiveness and forgetting. I am eight years on the other side of the freedom of forgiveness and forgetting. The healing process is ongoing, but I am delighted, forever thankful and well pleased with God’s work in me!! My former husband and I have a great, cordial relationship now. When one of my adult children was 13, they asked if we could go to New York City to celebrate their 30th birthday. At the time, we had no idea our marriage would be over! Fast forward, we all went to New York, celebrated, partied and truly had a great time together!! And on a sad note, Him and I partnered so well to help our adult children navigate the tragic death of a loved one. That alone was worth the hard work of forgiveness! Him and I can chat it up about our favorite football team, we pray for each other when asked. And yep, he married the mistress. I have no negative vibes or emotions towards her at all. She is always invited to any family functions, heck, she can sit right next to me and I will treat her with respect and kindness all because of God giving me, teaching me, empowering me to forgive and forget! When I experienced our marriage ending, I prayed, “LORD, somehow, some way, be glorified in this divorce!! Yep, crazy prayer, right? I see His glory through the divorce and I shout with praise, To God be the glory for great things He has done! And no, God did not want us to divorce, but He gave us the free will to choose. Yes, God intercepted and provided ways to salvage the marriage, but those provisions were not accepted. On a good note, The fruit of my forgiveness is now I burst with sooo much joy, it’s hard to contain!! My faith has increased, my relationship with God is at a place I never dreamed possible! I got diagnosed in 2012 and I am still here to the shock of the doctors! And I am here, managing and living well! I know life stories don’t always tie up neatly with a red bow! My “red bow” represents the power of the blood of Jesus and His death on the cross making a way for God to forgive me of my sins and empower me to forgive others! Sweet Sigh!!! That’s Priceless!!
I love the song, Reckless love of God! The words that wrap me up in His love says,
Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God
Oh, it chases me down, fights ’til I’m found, leaves the 99
And I couldn’t earn it
I don’t deserve it, still You give yourself away
Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God!
Oh how I love the way God loves us/me!! Yep, my “red bow” journey has gone through hard times, but the bow for me also represents God wrapping Himself around me, saying I am with you always!
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Thanks so much for your testimony. It is powerful and a great example of what God can do with a willing heart. God bless you!
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So true . Your words are powerful. I worked with abused and neglected children for many years. The trauma those children experienced many times had a very negative impact on them as they became adults. It was always comforting when I met an adult that had been abused as a child and they explained to me how they used their trauma to help others and to create a family in the true sense of the word. For those adults, the ability to forgive and forget allowed them to turn their trauma into a vehicle to help others and prevent their past from shaping their future.
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Amen! Thanks so much for sharing.
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