The Gift from God I Didn’t Want

by Cynthia Cummings-Walker

Psalm 127:3 says “Behold, children are a gift of the Lord, The fruit of the womb is a reward.” Really? My husband and I had prayed for a normal, healthy baby, yet received one that was defective and sick. I was not merely disappointed with my gift from God; I was absolutely devastated by it.

When Rachel Rebekah was born, after a quick count of her fingers and toes I took a sigh of relief. She was perfect and absolutely gorgeous.  This gift from God was in a perfectly wrapped physical package that we were so thankful for. However, within a couple of months I realized that Rachel was not the gift I wanted or had expected.   

The Gift Was Damaged

Although her physical growth was typical, her brain was not functioning properly.  Rachel was diagnosed with having multiple disabilities.  She was blind, hearing impaired, had cerebral palsy and a seizure disorder; was fed through a tube in her stomach; could not walk, talk, sit up, nor even respond to her name. Rachel was labeled “Chronic vegetative”.

People would say things to me like “God gave Rachel to you because you are a special person. Special people have special children.” Or, “God knew you were strong enough to handle it, so He gave Rachel to you.”  I didn’t want to be special. I didn’t want to be strong.  I wanted to be like every other mother who loved, nurtured and guided her child through life.

I was angry and depressed yet perfected my façade and nodded in agreement when people basically told me how blessed I was to have been “chosen” for this type of motherhood. It was easy for them to say this to me while they watched their child run around and play, graduate or get married. If I asked them if they would want to be so wonderfully blessed in this way, they would shrink back in horror at the thought of it all.

Regardless of the way my beloved Rachel Rebekah was, I loved her with all my heart and soul. I just couldn’t understand why a loving God would gift us with a precious baby girl who was destined to live incapacitated, medically fragile, unable to communicate, labeled, stared at and rejected. It was heartbreaking to think that Rachel would experience life’s pain, and little of its joys.  

Unanswered Prayer Finally Answered

For three solid years I begged and pleaded for God to heal Rachel.  It took a while, yet my prayers were finally answered. However, the answer was not what I expected. My gift would not be exchanged for a more desirable one through the physical healing of Rachel.  God’s plan was bigger than that, and more awesome than I could ever have imagined. 

One day as I was reading my Bible in the Book of John, Chapter 9, verses 1-3, I found answers.  “As Jesus was walking along, he saw a man who had been blind from birth.  “Rabbi,” his disciples asked him, “why was this man born blind? Was it because of his own sins or his parents’ sins?” “It was not because of his sins or his parents’ sins,” Jesus answered. “This happened so the power of God could be seen in him.”

This scripture resonated with me in that I realized just as God had a purpose for the blind man’s life, He had a perfectly designed plan and purpose for my beloved Rachel Rebekah. Her condition was not about anything we had done or not done.  It was about what God wanted to do through my precious baby girl’s life.

How could God be glorified through a child who was “Chronic vegetative”? I had no clue. I prayed for guidance and by faith did my part, trusting the Lord to do His.

From Grieving to Glorifying God

My grief and depression over the loss of a healthy, happy life for Rachel, shifted to finding out how the Lord would be glorified through her life. I stopped focusing on what was lost and concentrated on glorifying God through what remained. That prompted me to learn all I could about disabilities so that I could effectively advocate for Rachel. In advocating for others as well, my efforts began to be noticed on another level.

Newspaper articles were written about Rachel’s struggles and triumphs over a system that wanted to treat Rachel like a “disability” instead of a person, first. Trying to get them to see Rachel as the gift of God that she was, was like facing the armored Goliath with only a few rocks and a sling.

God’s awesome power was displayed in Rachel’s life by doing the seemingly impossible, allowing her to defeat the giant. Some disability policies and practices were forced to change on a systemic level. This benefitted countless people with disabilities. It was miraculous.

The miracle I wanted did not manifest as a physical or cognitive healing for my precious daughter. The miracle was in the Lord using Rachel to impact the lives of so many people locally, nationally, and internationally just the way she was.

Shortly after this photo was taken our beloved Rachel passed away from viral pneumonia. She was 21 years old.

Rachel’s Legacy Continues

Rachel’s death left me heartbroken, devastated and inconsolable. Yes, Rachel had a lot of suffering in her life. She also had joys that I didn’t think possible. We included her in so many things to normalize her life. She had a good life. When her assignment was over, she went to her heavenly home to be with our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Her work was done. Mine wasn’t.

Rachel’s legacy became one of me founding “Hope After Tragedy” a group for mothers whose child died. Because of all of the things I experienced as a grief-stricken mother, I believed I could comfort other mothers the way I was comforted. The uplifting interaction, encouragement and support amongst the bereaved mothers has been a blessing to me, and many others.

When Rachel’s life began, I didn’t want the “damaged gift” I was given. I wanted her to be perfectly normal. Initially I was blinded by the pain. Once my eyes were opened through reading the Bible and praying, I was able to see that God’s gift of Rachel was pure perfection. She was ordained to be the perfect person to accomplish God’s perfect plan. To God be the glory, great things He has done!

My Blog “Don’t Say That: 5 Do’s and Don’ts When a Child Dies” sheds light on what helps and what hurts the parents of a child who passed away.

Consider this:

If some situation in your life has devastated you, and you think the situation is hopeless, think again. There is life after death, or disaster, in what is left behind. Is there something you can do to repurpose your painful experience into something productive? It’s like the saying: “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” You may be surprised with what can be accomplished. I pray that the Lord will guide and strengthen you to accomplish His purpose for your life. God loves you. He really does!

I would really like to know how you repurposed your pain.