Self-Examination Time

by Cynthia Cummings-Walker

Self-Reflection

People are so busy these days with little time to sit in contemplative silence without their thoughts racing to the next thing.  It seems so difficult to live in the moment, or even have time for self-reflection.

“Is my life going the way I wanted it to, or am I on auto pilot stuck in a mindless routine?  Do I have specific goals of what I want to accomplish in my life and career? Am I self-aware, or just being herded along with the bustling crowd with no clear direction?”.

When we periodically take time to self-reflect, we can make mid-course corrections if necessary, or completely change direction when we find we are on the wrong path in our quest for a fulfilling life.

When a person is not self-aware, they may be making decisions that are completely unrealistic, which can have dire consequences.

One of the main areas I see this manifested is in dating, especially online dating. Although a person’s goal is to meet a potential mate, when they are not self-aware their choices can be off kilter. 

Lacking Self-Awareness

“To thine own self be true.”  William Shakespeare

Usually a person looking for a love relationship try to look for their ideal person.  They want to meet a highly successful businessperson, someone wealthy, or even a celebrity…a person who is the epitome of sophistication and physical perfection.

In online dating, many have been conned into thinking that they are communicating with their ideal person, never asking themselves these questions:    

Why would a person of that caliber need to go on a dating site when they lead lavish lifestyles, meet all kinds of successful people in business, social engagements, and travel?  

Why would an average person sitting in front of a computer looking for love think that they would be the type of person to attract someone of such “high value” when they have almost nothing in common? 

Of course there is nothing wrong with being average.  Most people are.  The issue here is the total lack of self-awareness, honest introspection, or being realistic enough to know that perhaps they are aiming too high.

Some people overlook someone who would be perfect for them, yet because the person does not meet their ideal, the potential mate is rejected. They are just not good enough.

“For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment….” Romans 12:3 (NIV)  

Self-Deception and Denial  

Many times, it does not appear that the person doing the searching considers what they are bringing to the table.  Is it enough to justify such high standards in the person they want as a mate? 

For example, there are women who have very high standards and expectations of what they want in a man.  They will settle for nothing less. He must be 6 feet tall, earn at least 6 figures, be handsome and have an athletic body.  This type of man is considered by many to be a “high value man”.

In looking at the woman, she has no formal education, works at a fast-food restaurant, is a single mother receiving government assistance, is not concerned about eating healthy or exercising, yet believes she deserves a “high value man.”  

On the other hand, there are men who make an average salary, lives in a very modest apartment, drives a 5-year-old car, has a belly that hangs over his belt, yet he is looking for a woman who is smart, beautiful, sexy, and the embodiment of female perfection.

There is nothing wrong with the woman or man here in terms of what they look like or how they live.  The problem comes when the person is living in denial and self-deception, believing that their situation should have no bearing on the type of person they desire.

Be Realistic

“I pray…..that you will keep on growing in knowledge and understanding.  For I want you to understand what really matters,….” Philippians 1:9–10 (NLT)

When people are realistic, they are reasonable in what they look for in others.  They won’t  have high expectations of others, and low standards for themselves.

When we are realistic about ourselves, we can make choices that will ultimately take us to where we want to go in life, and with whom.

On the other hand, being unrealistic can cause someone to be harmed in so many ways. People have been used and abused by those who prey upon people who live in self-denial and are not self-aware when it comes to relationships.   

Be What You Want In Others

You cannot withdraw money from a bank where you made no deposit. 

Invest in your personal growth by doing those things that will cultivate a healthy mind and body.  Strive for excellence in every area of your life. 

Read, study, travel, use the gifts and talents you have, build healthy relationships, improve your appearance without risking your life, go to therapy if you need it.  Create new habits. Leave the past in the past.  Forgive.  Love God, yourself, and others.

“For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.”(Jeremiah 29:11)

Be prepared for what the Lord has prepared for you!

Questions for Self-Reflection

After self-examination, are there some things you need to re-evaluate or change? 

If so, what will you do to change…. lower your expectations of others, or raise your standard for yourself?