By Cynthia Cummings-Walker
As I stood peering through my living room window, I could see people going about their lives as though it was an ordinary day. At that time, I couldn’t understand how everything outside seemed so normal when it should have stopped the way my world did. Everything had come crashing down in a pile of rubble. I was in one of the worst nightmares imaginable. I couldn’t wake up from this. It wasn’t a dream. It was reality. My child was dead.
I realize that people die every day and life goes on for all of the rest of us. In my case, I wondered why a loving parent’s child could die, while horrendous parents can see their child live throughout their lifetime. Of course I would never want anyone’s child to die. Not even my worst enemy. My point is that my precious Rachel was so deeply loved. She had the best life possible for her. Now it was all over in seemingly a flash. How could life just go on as though she were never here? I was inconsolable.
Memorial Planning While Grief-stricken
During that week my husband and I had to notify people that Rachel had passed away. We had to make arrangements with a Funeral Director, write an obituary, decide how we wanted the Memorial service to be carried out, and what the menu would be for the luncheon afterwards. The way I was grieving over my beloved Rachel, I barely had the strength or mental capacity to do any of it. All of this was a lot to expect from grief-stricken parents, yet it had to be done.
As heartbroken as I was because my child died, I somehow knew that the excruciating pain I was feeling was only the tip of the iceberg. So much of what transpired during that time period was a blur to me. I didn’t remember much about the Memorial service, who was there or what people said to me afterwards. A couple of days after Rachel’s funeral there was an article in the Akron Beacon Journal newspaper about Rachel’s memorial service. That is how I know exactly what happened.
Totally Incapacitated by Grief
After the service I went home and retreated to my bedroom, undressed and got into bed where I would stay for a solid week. I felt literally paralyzed by the pain. I kept a headache from constantly crying. My eyes were almost swollen shut. All of my strength was gone. The tsunami of pain I somehow sensed would be coming, had hit. I only had the strength to go to the bathroom. Nothing else.
Thank God I had close friends who knew how much I loved Rachel and how devastated I was. They cried with me. They did their best to comfort and encourage me. They prayed and helped where assistance was needed. I didn’t have to ask. These loving actions were such a blessing.
After several days, a dear friend, who is a psychiatrist, suggested that I should think about getting professional help in order to move forward. It was obvious to my loved ones that I was incapacitated by grief and despair.
Professional Help Needed to Manage Grief
Although hesitant about the unknown, I heeded our friend’s advice and sought professional help. It was definitely the right advice and decision since I couldn’t pull myself out of the slump. I couldn’t pray my way out of it either. As a Christian I chose a Christian psychiatrist. It was such a good choice.
I was not simply medicated and expected to talk about my feelings. My therapist stressed the importance of praying daily and reading encouraging scriptures from the bible, or a daily devotional. Our sessions were insightful and challenging. Combining all of the aforementioned placed me on solid ground and enabled me to move forward through the process of grieving my child’s death.
Some people think that a Christian should just pray and trust God to solve every problem supernaturally. Some Christians believe that if a person needs some other assistance, that is a sign of a lack of faith and spirituality. Sometimes the very person who says that, is wearing eyeglasses, has had surgery, or is on some type of daily medication.
The same way they needed medical intervention, so does a person who needs emotional support. A grief-stricken person cannot pray their way out of their situation any more than a person who needs a dentist, ophthalmologist or medical doctor can just pray their ailment away. No matter who you are, a professional therapist is sometimes needed.
With love and therapy the pain of it all had somewhat dissipated. I began to resume life in my new normal. I answered phone calls and visits from friends. I felt like I was surrounded in a cocoon of loving support. It strengthened me. It eased my pain. That was until I left the safety of my home.
Words Can Help or Hurt the Grieving
Once I began to venture out and saw people that knew my daughter had passed away, I entered the surreal world of being a parent of a child who had died. The inconsiderate things some people said to me were almost unbelievable, inconceivable.
When someone dies, I know people can be at a loss for words. When a child passes away, saying the right thing is probably much more difficult. I’m sure people’s intent is to comfort the grieving parent; however, when a person is unsure about what to say, their statements can be more hurtful than helpful. Certain words said to me over and over by different people felt like salt in an open wound.
In terms of what not to say to a parent whose child has passed away, these are 5 things that should not be said.
5 DON’TS
- Please don’t say: “My mother, father, (fill in the blank) died and I know just how you feel.” No matter how close a person is to their parent, parents dying before their child is part of the cycle of life. Unless you have had a child die, you don’t know, and don’t want to know the depth of this pain. Even another parent of a child who passed away cannot say they know exactly how another grieving parent feels. Circumstances make a difference.
- Please don’t start quoting scriptures or anecdotal idioms. People gave me all kinds of scripture that they felt might be uplifting, when in fact it had the opposite effect on me. Scripture is appropriate when given in the proper time and context. Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 clarifies that there is a specific time and season for everything. I believe the best scripture a person can be guided by in times of grief and loss is to weep with those who weep; and “mourn with those who mourn.” Romans 12:15b (NIV) No advice required.
- Please don’t say to a grieving parent that their child is in heaven and isn’t suffering any more. My child may be in heaven, but my arms are empty. My very soul is deeply troubled and wounded by an unimaginable depth of pain. People need to realize that “Singing cheerful songs to a person with a heavy heart is like… pouring vinegar in a wound.” Proverbs 25:20 (NLT)
- Please don’t say: “Everything happens for a reason so you should be over this by now.” Grief has no time limit. No matter how many years or decades have passed, a parent will forever love their child and carry the scars of that love lost.
- Please don’t say: “At least you have another child or other children.” Which one of your children that you love with all your heart and soul could fill the void left by the beloved child who passed away? A person who is trying to support someone in sorrow needs to know that even if some things are true, they are not helpful. In fact, they are hurtful when a parent is sorrowful.
5 DO’s
If you want to be an encouragement to a parent whose child has passed away, here are 5 things you can say and do that could be a comfort:
- Say “I’m so sorry for your loss.” Or “I love you.” Or “I’m praying for you.” The fewer the words, the better. There is less of a chance to hurt or offend.
- Sympathy cards and notes let a parent know that you are thinking about them. Shortly after my daughter passed away, I received a full-page letter from a parent whose child had also passed away. The letter really ministered to me because that mother seemed to know just what I needed.
- Be an attentive listener. Being silent can be uncomfortable for the consoler. I assure you it is not for the parent. Many times the parent may need to just talk about their child, or the circumstances surrounding their child’s death. However, if the parent asks a question, give a succinct answer.
- Take cues from the parent. Parents grieve differently. Some parents want to talk about their child. Some want to grieve privately so they need space. The amount of contact you have with a grieving parent should be in line with how well you knew them before the tragedy.
- You can do, or give, something special if you want to memorialize their child. After my child passed away a couple we knew came over with a shovel and dirt and planted a beautiful flowering bush in Rachel’s honor. Another person heard about Rachel and brought an incredibly special gift to honor Rachel. It was a beautiful little girl with wings, holding a dove. Words can not express how much I was encouraged and comforted by these actions.
There is No Quick Fix for Those Who Grieve
No matter what is said, or done, nothing can fix this. Nothing will bring my child back to life. Acts of kindness, compassion and support can help in the healing process. Psalm 147:3 lets us know that the Lord heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Scars do remain. God does take away the sting of death and gives the grace to move on and enjoy life again. Some days may be bittersweet, yet we do the best we can with what remains.
I received so much strength and comfort during the darkest time of my life. I want to live out the scripture in 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 “…God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.” (NLT).
God uses ordinary people to accomplish His purposes. My heartfelt desire is to impart to others what has been poured into me. Rachel’s life, and death mattered. Every child’s does.
What has been your experience when dealing with grief personally, or in regard to someone else?
A Word to the Wise 
With all tenderness and love, I sat silently and read each word slowly, I wanted to honor the sacredness of your words concerning Rachel and grieving. Thank you for sharing your heart and your priceless wisdom. Still praying…
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I cannot thank you enough for all of your prayers, support and encouragement. Blessings…
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As I sit here weeping over your ability to capture ALL parents’ pain in your retelling of your experience of love, sorrow, grief, comfort and overcoming all through your precious gift that was Rachel. I remain forever grateful for the platform you gave me to begin to talk about Christopher. Therapy is something we avoid and as I read this I realized I am still suppressing my feelings because I’m a CHRISTIAN. Thank you for all you do and all you share.
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Thanks so much Tina. I really appreciate you sharing this. As a Pastor’s wife I know that there are a lot of expectations of you. Your vulnerability here shows that no matter who you are or your position in life, we are still human.
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All of those are so true . But for me but hurts the most is people saying “oh at least you still have one ” we had twins 2020 august 10 and August 11 one was gone . And when people asked me questions they almost always said ” well at least you have one ” they do not understand
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No, they don’t understand. That’s why I wrote this in an attempt to enlighten people on what they should say and not say. I’m so sorry for your loss. Perhaps you can share this with some people in your life who could benefit.
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I remember when a dear friend lost her 3-month-old baby girl. It was a devastating situation. We were college roommates and she had just returned to our hometown. I did not know what to do or say but I knew enough after the funeral that we needed to stay connected.
A part of me wanted to avoid being around her because of the uncomfortableness of her loss. Our baby girls were only 4 months apart and another former roommate’s daughter was 7 months older. We had big dreams for our girls to grow up being friends, sleepovers, and birthday parties galore.
Somehow, the Lord gave me the strength to visit my friend every other week for many months. I could not imagine bailing on the relationship. Occasionally, I doubted if I was doing the right thing. We would have coffee, eat muffins, and share our presence with each other. She talked, I listened. I cried, she cried more. We had long embraces and short prayers. My uncomfortableness paled in comparison to her piercing pain.
Now 30 years later we are still close friends. She still grieves deeply. I still listen intently, hold her tight and we still say short prayers.
Thank you, Cynthia, for being vulnerable in sharing the pain of Rachel’s death and your grieving journey. Your words of wisdom assure and remind us that our presence is a gift to those who grieve and “no advice needed”.
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Venita, thank you so much for sharing this story. It blessed me and I know it will bless those who read it. You are exactly right when you s made the statement “our presence is a gift.” I never thought of this that way before. I will remember it and hopefully others will too!
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Thank you for this information alot of people don’t know how to address those whom are grieving, this is helpful for our hardtimes those of us who lost love one as well as those of us whom have friends and family who have lost love ones
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Thanks so much Jenelle! You have a lot of people who look to you for advice and counsel. Keep up the good work!
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Cynthia, what great advice for those of us who want to comfort a hurting friend. Often, we don’t know what to say or do. Thanks so much.
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Carolyn, you are such a kind and compassionate person who is always willing to assist where needed. I admire you greatly!
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Once again dear friend your words of truth and transparency causes me to be drawn into the moment you are sharing about.
This article was special to me because I was able to meet Rachel and see her grow. I’m so thankful God gave her as a gift to teach us how we are to love one another… even with our imperfections. ❤️
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Trinka, thank you so much for your continued support and encouragement in this new venture, blogging. You spur me on and I thank God for having you as a part of my life over the years. Your challenge has been consistent – write. I will continue :0)
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I sometimes don’t know what to believe … and though I have a relentless faith in God… the lifetime of pain and suffering seems to make believing much more difficult. I lost my wife, both daughters, and my only son in August 2018. Terrible car accident. They all burned. There was nothing left. The only items that were recovered was a Bible and a letter that I’d written to my children about the paramount significance of their relationship with God. Same year I lost all four grandparents. It’s been nearly four years ago now. I’m not sure if I’ve gotten better or worse, I’ve been blessed with a new family, an amazing Fiancée, two step children who call me dad, and now have a son due in August… but… I am not the same. There’s a fire, a drive, a joyous spirit that I used to carry inside me always. I strive to be the best husband and father I can be!! I pray constantly! All day!! Sincere and fervent prayers!! I work hard and love my family. I just would like to feel like I’m not failing them. I can’t seem to get ahead. For all my efforts… life just keeps taking from me. Still.. I press on. I pray. I trust. I’m homeless now. Came to my hometown in Louisiana for work. Laid off. Doing handyman service work now to send money to my fiancée and kids back in California. Oh.. and she’s diagnosed with HG, on permanent bed rest, and has been terribly sick for the last 5 months she’s been pregnant. This is my 7th biological child. I have none biological that are living here on Earth. I keep asking God to give me a break. I don’t pray for lots of money, big house, or shiny things. All I ask is a home for my family to come to when my baby boy is born and the means for me to provide for them all they need. Lord knows I’m trying. I’ve been trying for so long it seems…. And it’s depressing to constantly be pushed back down. Anyways… idk… just venting I guess. I often wake up at random hours. Such is the case tonight. I’ve got work to do in the morning. Y’all don’t give up k!
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Thank you for sharing, Todd. There are no words that can fix this, prayer can. Our part is to pray, God is responsible for results. When my life has been in utter turmoil, I do 2 things. I try to look at the glass as half full instead of half empty. There is always something to be thankful for. Secondly, I cling to God’s promises: “For we know that God causes all things to work together for our good.” It may seem impossible now; just keep praying and trusting God. He will see you through. I’ll be praying for you.
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Thank you so much for sharing. I lost My Angelica to covid in November 20, 2021, 10 days shy of her 23rd birthday. I feel like taking to a counselor will not help. I talk to my family about it and that does not take the pain away. If my family can’t take the pain away, I don’t know how a stranger would. I may be wrong. The more time passes the more I miss her. I don’t know how to keep going with out the feeling of heaviness in my heart. The do’s and don’ts, I can realte to. Several of the don’ts have been said to me my my own brother. I take everything people tell me and I dwell on it. Making me an angry person. What I should of done differently if I knew I had so little time with her. Sometimes I just can’t deal with it. I have a 19 and 18 year old daughters and a 5 year old son. I know I have to keep going because they need me. Please I need advice on how to not hurt.
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Alma, I am so very sorry for the pain you are feeling because of Angelica’s passing. Grief is a process. It takes time to start feeling better. Don’t be too hard on yourself. You can’t change what happened, but you can learn from it and maybe help others. Although family loves you, they are not prepared to help you, just like mine wasn’t. The benefit of going to a grief counselor or therapist is that they are educated in grief issues and should know how to specifically help you as you explain how you feel. That is what pulled me out of the deep depression I was in. The other problem solver was God. I prayed a lot and asked the Lord to help me. Healing doesn’t happen overnight or in weeks or months. You loved Angelica for almost 23 years and it will take time to move on in life. You will never get over her passing, but living without her will get easier. I am praying for you. The Bible says that “God heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” This is true. Scars will remain and that’s okay.
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Thank you so much!! This article is spot on. I too have lost a child. His name is Brody and he was 14. I have heard so many of those don’ts. The one I remembered was very brief but powerful. A woman came up to me during the visitation, and looked me and told me that she was so sorry for my loss and there were just no words for this. I hugged this woman that I barely knew because she said so succinctly, what my soul knew.
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Thanks for sharing this Christine. It is so encouraging when people know what to say and do. I was hoping that by writing this, that the word would spread. To my surprise this blog has gone to over 40 countries. This is evidently something many of us needed.
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I myself have took great comfort from reading this as I lost my son in 2018 to a River tragedy he was only 5years old him and his twin brother were out playing and worderd off some how they managed to get down near the river both boys fell in the water but one of them got out and I had people saying that to me things happen for a reason and your lucky it was only one and not both it’s almost 5years now but I will always miss my little boy
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Leanne. What a horrible circumstance to go through. I feel your pain. Thanks so much for sharing. I am praying for you, and that the people around you will learn to be a comfort to you. I don’t know if sharing this blog with them will help. I hope that somehow, they will be able to show their love and concern for you the way you need it. God bless you dear.
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Cynthia, first words can’t express how much admiration I have for you. Your willingness to share our experiences and use it to help others is monumental. You were willing to open ourself up to comments from people living around the world. Your heart is so special; despite the devastating loss of your beloved Rachel, you still think about others and want to help others .
I agree with you that at times prayer alone is not enough. This is not a sign of someone lacking faith or not knowing how to pray. G-d created psychiatrists and other mental health providers for a reason. G-d wants us to do or part along with prayer. As we have a physical being as well as a spiritual being , the psychiatrist helps with the physical being and prayer with the spiritual being. When they work together it helps both the physical and spiritual beings.
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Thanks so much Jane. You are so right. Thanks for sharing your insights.
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I lost my daughter she was only 22 year old Stephanie it really still hurts to even speak of my deep loss 😢🙏🏻🦋
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I am so sorry for what you are going through. I understand. I pray that the Lord will give you some peace because the Bible says that God heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. We never get over our child passing away. We can get better, but the scars will remain. God bless you, dear.
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Thank you for a refreshing take on your grief and how the world responds to us. I personally tell myself how blissful their ignorance must be and I’m glad they don’t understand the depths of despair we are feeling because that would mean that another parent had lossed a child, therefore, they can throw all their idioms and unwise words to me all they wish. I let them go over my head and pray they never feel how I feel. Of course it hurts to hear it but I just let them believe they’re comforting me because the only person in the end that matters is me
Not in a selfish way as I have lossed many immediates loved ones, it’s because there’s nothing anyone can say or do to top the hurt, pain, emptiness and despair I already feel.
I wish you all the strength to face your next hour.
Take care from an
Empathiser x
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Thanks so much for sharing, Linda. Your words are wise and comforting. God bless you!
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