Lifeandbibleblog.com
by Cynthia Cummings-Walker
Are you excited about holidays, or do you dread the very thought of it all? I dreaded holidays for many years after my beloved daughter passed away. How could I celebrate anything when it actually caused more grief because Rachel wasn’t here anymore?
Grief is something that doesn’t have an end date to it. My heart has a big hole in it that can never be filled. Yet, I’ve learned how to celebrate instead of mourn through it all. Rachel wouldn’t want me to live in a perpetual state of grief. I looked for ways to pull myself out of the rut.
I realize that there are many circumstances that cause us to grieve other than death. Divorce, irreconcilable differences, or the end of a cherished relationship can dampen our enthusiasm or depress us altogether. Because of these changes, holiday celebrations will never be the same.
When I feel sad, I cry. When I’m happy, I laugh. I don’t pretend. Holidays may be bittersweet. I’ve learned ways not to just endure them, but being able to enjoy them despite loss. My perspective on things was the key to open the door to all types of possibilities.
Perspective Makes the Difference
Let’s say, as a daily routine, you check for the weather report. You learn that a severe snowstorm is approaching with 12 inches of snow expected to continue for 3 days.
You almost panic. Your first reaction is to become concerned about what this means. Driving will be hazardous. There will be problems getting to work. You’ll have to do a lot of snow shoveling to keep driveways or pathways clear.
You have to go to the grocery store and stock up just in case you get snowed in. Who will take care of your children all day while you’re working because schools will be closed? Will your vehicle even start up after sitting idle for days? You decide to tell your children the bad news.
Their first reaction is squeals of joy. They jump up and down on their beds. They come and give you a big hug. They are ecstatic about the prospects of a snowstorm. They will get 3 days off from school.
They can play in the snow and make a snow man or woman. They can lay on the snow-covered lawn and make snow angels. Oh boy, this is the best news ever!!! Perspective.
We can stress over a snowstorm, or see it as an opportunity, not worry about something that may never happen. We can have snowball fights with the kids, go sledding, make snow angels or a snow man. There can always be something good in a situation if we look hard enough.
Sometimes we have to ask someone we trust to help us look at our circumstances from a different perspective. Sometimes clarity is hampered by sadness.
Perspective Can Ease Pain or Increase It
How we look at our life can determine how we experience it. Our perspective can give us alternative possibilities, or we can live as if all hope is forever lost.
No one can escape life’s sorrows. Death and disappointment are unavoidable. How we deal with the experience is a personal choice. We can live our life in a perpetual state of grief and loss, or we can make the best of what remains.
3 THINGS YOU CAN DO
1. Self-Reflect
Introspection is a good thing. Thinking through a situation can clarify what is possible and what is not. It can separate fantasy from reality by accepting the fact that the person who passed away is not coming back. The broken relationship is over.
If we start by acknowledging where we are emotionally, and face facts, we can begin to get out of the rut of longing for something that will never happen. We certainly must take one step at a time.
2. Plan in Advance
Determining in advance what you think you are able to do, or not do, will remove some stress and pressure of last-minute decisions.
If there is something you want to avoid, plan on how to appropriately respond. If someone brings it up…a death, a divorce, an irrevocably damaged relationship you won’t be caught off guard. If you feel that you need to leave a gathering, plan a way to make a graceful exit.
If you don’t feel that you are up to celebrations at all, perhaps you can plan an alternative activity. Get together with a friend or people you feel comfortable with in a stress-free zone. Whatever fits your lifestyle, just try not to totally isolate yourself for long periods of time.
3. Create New Traditions
Only you know what can bring you joy or pull you out of a slump, even temporarily. Be creative and choose activities that fit your lifestyle and interests.
For example, homeless shelters need volunteers to prepare plates and pass out meals on holidays. You might want to do that. Sometimes focusing on others can take your mind off of your own struggles. There is something about helping others that can actually help you.
Changing Perspectives Takes Work
A change in perspective will not happen overnight. When we fall down, we get back up, not give up. “Happiness” is a choice. It looks different for all of us. We can, to the best of our ability, try to have joy in the midst of sorrow.
Remember to try to face the reality that your loved one will not return. You don’t have to live in perpetual grief. You can plan in advance what you will do to avoid, or exit, a stressful situation. Create new traditions that will help you learn to enjoy holidays.
Having a “Happy Holiday” or “Merry Christmas” is up to us through the decisions we make. True enough, there can be sadness. That’s normal. We don’t have to fear the storm because we will use it to our advantage in our own unique way!
Questions for Reflection
How can you make the best of what remains in your life?
What will you do to help yourself try to “enjoy” the holidays?
Please know that I am praying for all who have grief and sorrow over the holidays.
A Word to the Wise 