Tag: Depression

Transforming Grief: From ‘Why’ to ‘What Can I Do?’

Lifeandbibleblog.com

by Cynthia Cummings-Walker

When I was given the bad news, at first I was in shock. All kinds of thoughts swirled around in my head.  I took a few deep breaths to calm the torrent of tears and confusion. I needed to be able to think clearly.  Decisions had to be made, but first I wanted to know “Why?” Why did my child die when so many others in the same situation lived?

Of course, I wouldn’t want anyone else’s loved one to die, I just wanted to know why mine didn’t live. I couldn’t help but compare myself to others who received miracles in hopeless situations.  Against all odds, some people survived when death was imminent, or an illness deemed incurable was cured. Why didn’t this happen in my case?  Not getting a miracle just like so many others wasn’t fair.  

Through a veil of excruciating pain and bitter tears I asked the “Why?” question over and over.  I prayed and pleaded for God to let me know why.  I believed that if the “Why” questions were answered, I would understand. Yet, to my chagrin, God remained silent. 

I was livid!  I was angry with people because of their actions or inaction.  I was angry with myself.  Perhaps if I had done something different this wouldn’t have happened. I was mad at everyone.  I was behaving as though mere mortals have the power of life and death in their hands.  Only God has that power. I was angry with Him too. Why didn’t He stop this from happening?

Would Knowing “Why” Change What Happened?

Eventually something dawned on me…if the “Why” questions were answered, and the results remained the same, knowing “Why” wouldn’t change a thing. My child would still be dead.  Knowing “Why” was useless. It had no pain relief attached to it.

This tragedy had left me feeling like I had fallen into a deep, dark pit. “Why” would not be the rope or ladder lifting me out.  My thought process had to change if I wanted to have peace. Demanding answers had gotten me nowhere.  I decided to ask the Lord for direction. Kind of “Not My will but Thine be done.”

This opened-minded approach to dealing with tragedy would allow me to know what God wanted to do, verses what I wanted Him to do. Because the Bible is God’s primary communication to us, I turned there for clarity.

One day while reading I came across a story that made me look at my condition in a completely different light.   In John 5:5-9 there is a story of a man who had been ill for thirty-eight years.  When Jesus saw him lying on a mat,.. Jesus “said to him, Do you want to be made well?” What a strange question to ask someone who is incapacitated?  Even odder was the fact that the man didn’t say yes. Instead he said ““Sir, I have no man to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up; but while I am coming, another steps down before me.” (NKJV)  

I don’t know whether the man asked for help and was rejected, or whether he  didn’t ask anyone for help,  assuming that no one would want to help him. Whatever his reasoning, blaming others was getting him nowhere. The question Jesus asked, and the response from the infirmed man was not much different than mine back then.  

Was I remaining in this emotional pit because I was failing to do what it took to get out?  Was it easier for me to blame others, rather than taking responsibility for what I needed to do for myself to be healed? 

This self-examination prompted me to look deeper into my attitude and actions. Did I really want my broken heart healed?  Did I feel that if I tried to move forward enjoying life again, others might think that I didn’t really love my daughter? 

My identity had become the grieving mother. I had gotten comfortable being paralyzed by pain and making excuses for why I wasn’t moving forward. Even though the man on the mat did not say he wanted to be healed, Jesus healed him anyway.  The same for me.

Exchange the “Why” for “What Can I Do Now?”

“Why” would have to go and take its bitterness and despair with it.  “What” would take its place. I wondered what specific things I could do to move forward in life. I read books about people who used their pain and misfortunes to help others.  Some started organizations or support groups; dedicated playgrounds or planted trees in honor of their loved one. Others impacted lives by being a friend or mentor to someone who is struggling.  There are myriads of positive things that can be done.     

Getting out of that dark pit of despair into the world of possibilities changed my life exponentially.  As I heard the uplifting stories from others, and shared mine, my outlook on life brightened. My depression lifted. I didn’t have to feel guilty about enjoying life.  I was doing something worthwhile; something that in the long run honored my child.

“What” pulled me out of the pit of despair onto a seat of power.  Not power in the sense that I was anyone special.  The power was the ability to be a part of a process that would affect people’s lives for the better.

“What” took the focus off of me and placed it on to others. I had renewed strength and vitality. I felt an energy I hadn’t experienced in years.  I could genuinely laugh and smile again. It was amazing.  Whenever I felt sad, I would rebound quicker.

Are you stuck on the “Why” merry-go-round, always moving but going nowhere?  Do you really want to be well?  If so, there is hope. When you are ready to reach out to others, the small piece of rope you are barely holding on to can be transformed into a lifeline for someone who is sinking. None of this happens overnight, yet it can happen.

If you decide to exchange the “Why” for the “What” it can be transformative, taking you from debilitating pain to a renewed sense of hope and purpose.  Take the risk.  You may surprise yourself with the positive impact you can have on others. You just have to take it one step at a time.

Questions for Reflection

Are there positive things you can see that have come out of your tragedy?

Do you want to get well? If not, why do you think you should live in a perpetual state of grief and loss?

Is God Punishing Me?

By Cynthia Cummings-Walker

As I pondered the diagnosis, and what I had just been told, the pain of my thoughts was like a heated blade stabbing through my very heart and soul. Suddenly I heard sounds of loud, heart wrenching wails filling the air. I looked around to see who it was. There was no one else there. It was me. 

The all-encompassing pain I felt from this living nightmare was just too much to bear.  Every bit of physical strength I had drained out of my body.  I felt weak, and slowly slid to the floor. Words cannot express the depth of pain and anguish that ripped at my very soul as images of Rachel suffering for months, without relief, swirled around in my head.

Through bitter tears I wondered, how could God be a loving, merciful God and allow something so awful to happen?   Perhaps it wasn’t God’s fault. What if it was me?   

Was I Being Punished for Something?

I couldn’t help but wonder if this torture was some kind of punishment from God for something I had done. I started trying to remember everything I had ever done wrong to see if anything warranted this level of retribution from God.  I was far from perfect but couldn’t pinpoint anything.

Fast forwarding through my life, perhaps I had forgotten about something.  No, nothing there either.   I couldn’t remember anything drastic enough to cause what seemed to be severe punishment. No matter how irrational my thought process was, that is how I felt then, before I knew better.

Every day, people all over the world die, get in accidents, receive a devastating diagnosis, get betrayed, abandoned  by someone they love; or lose everything they have.  Death. Abuses. Tragedy. Evil.   All are a part of life.

No matter who you are, where you live, or what you have, misfortune will come knocking at your door at some point. One thing that may be easy to forget is that each person who dies is an individual, not just one of many.  They have families and loved ones who suffer and grieve.

Perspective Matters

I had to admit that when catastrophes befall others, I don’t assume that God is punishing them.  So why, when something horrendous happens to someone personally, they may think it is a punishment from God?  Even if I had done something terrible, God still would not hurt someone else to punish the perpetrator, me.

Perspective determines how a person will feel and act on what’s happening in their life. Two people can look at the same situation and see it entirely differently. In this case we are considering responses to tragedy and loss.

Let’s say that there is a drinking glass on a table that has liquid in it to the middle of the glass.  Some people see the glass as half full, while others see it as half empty. Some people go through life with a half empty glass as a victim. While the ones who see the glass half full will be more positive about life and are more likely to live as a victor.

I understand that during a crisis a person can be blindsided by the pain.  They don’t want to think about what good can come out of their situation.  They just want things back the way they used to be no matter how it was.

Self-Induced Misery is Not Punishment

There is no need for God to punish a person who makes perpetually foolish decisions. The consequences of their actions cause misery that is self-induced. When a person fails to take personal responsibility for bad decisions, it is easier to blame someone else, or claim that God is punishing them.

I’ve heard some people’s family members say that God is punishing them by taking their loved one away. Not true. For instance, if a person chooses to be drug or alcohol addicted, has reckless behaviors or takes their own life, that is a consequence of personal choice.

My heart goes out to those who suffer because of these heart wrenching situations. I know they don’t want to blame the dead. God isn’t to blame either. God gives us all free will to live life as we please.

We can make decisions that benefit us, or ones that are detrimental. Even when a loved one passes away from something out of their control, that is not God punishing anyone. People get sick and die. Everyone is going to die one day.  No one gets out of here alive.

The more I thought about it, prayed, and studied the scriptures, I realized that God does not punish the innocent for the actions of the guilty. 

We Reap What We Sow

If God wanted to punish me, He had plenty of ways He could do it directly. God is a God of justice. It would be unjust for Him to punish the innocent for the actions of the guilty. Galatians 6:7 (NLT) “Don’t be misled—you cannot mock the justice of God. You will always harvest what you plant.”

In other words, we all will reap what we have sown, personally. My heart goes out to those who have culpability in situations that have caused great pain and regret. We can’t turn back the hands of time and change what happened. What can be done is to confess, repent, and learn from it.

God’s Objective is to Save, Not Punish

God is loving, merciful and forgiving.  Everything He does is right, and for our good.  We can’t tell God how to be God any more than our toddler can tell us how to be a parent. None of us has done everything right.  We all fall short.  We must trust God because He is God.  Our Sovereign, Omniscient, Omnipotent Lord.

When someone is grieving, the focus tends to be on what is lost, instead of acknowledging and appreciating what remains.  It takes time, yet it will come if the person desires it. Know and believe Scripture: “And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.” Romans 8:28 (NLT)

Consider This

“For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life.” John 3:16 (NASB)

Moving from ‘Why’ to ‘What’: Transforming Tragedy Into Purpose

Lifeandbibleblog.com

by Cynthia Cummings-Walker

When I was given the bad news, at first I was in shock. All kinds of thoughts swirled around in my head.  I took a few deep breaths to calm the torrent of tears and confusion. I needed to be able to think clearly.  Decisions had to be made, but first I wanted to know “Why?” Why did my child die when so many others in the same situation lived?

Of course, I wouldn’t want anyone else’s loved one to die, I just wanted to know why mine didn’t live. I couldn’t help but compare myself to others who received miracles in hopeless situations.  Against all odds, some people survived when death was imminent, or an illness deemed incurable was cured. Why didn’t this happen in my case?  Not getting a miracle just like so many others wasn’t fair.  

Through a veil of excruciating pain and bitter tears I asked the “Why?” question over and over.  I prayed and pleaded for God to let me know why.  I believed that if the “Why” questions were answered, I would understand. Yet, to my chagrin, God remained silent. 

I was livid!  I was angry with people because of their actions or inaction.  I was angry with myself.  Perhaps if I had done something different this wouldn’t have happened. I was mad at everyone.  I was behaving as though mere mortals have the power of life and death in their hands.  Only God has that power. I was angry with Him too. Why didn’t He stop this from happening?

Would Knowing “Why” Change What Happened?

Eventually something dawned on me…if the “Why” questions were answered, and the results remained the same, knowing “Why” wouldn’t change a thing. My child would still be dead.  Knowing “Why” was useless. It had no pain relief attached to it.

This tragedy had left me feeling like I had fallen into a deep, dark pit. “Why” would not be the rope or ladder lifting me out.  My thought process had to change if I wanted to have peace. Demanding answers had gotten me nowhere.  I decided to ask the Lord for direction. Kind of “Not My will but Thine be done.”

This opened-minded approach to dealing with tragedy would allow me to know what God wanted to do, verses what I wanted Him to do. Because the Bible is God’s primary communication to us, I turned there for clarity.

One day while reading I came across a story that made me look at my condition in a completely different light.   In John 5:5-9 there is a story of a man who had been ill for thirty-eight years.  When Jesus saw him lying on a mat,.. Jesus “said to him, Do you want to be made well?” What a strange question to ask someone who is incapacitated?  Even odder was the fact that the man didn’t say yes. Instead he said ““Sir, I have no man to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up; but while I am coming, another steps down before me.” (NKJV)  

I don’t know whether the man asked for help and was rejected, or whether he  didn’t ask anyone for help,  assuming that no one would want to help him. Whatever his reasoning, blaming others was getting him nowhere. The question Jesus asked, and the response from the infirmed man was not much different than mine back then.  

Was I remaining in this emotional pit because I was failing to do what it took to get out?  Was it easier for me to blame others, rather than taking responsibility for what I needed to do for myself to be healed? 

This self-examination prompted me to look deeper into my attitude and actions. Did I really want my broken heart healed?  Did I feel that if I tried to move forward enjoying life again, others might think that I didn’t really love my daughter? 

My identity had become the grieving mother. I had gotten comfortable being paralyzed by pain and making excuses for why I wasn’t moving forward. Even though the man on the mat did not say he wanted to be healed, Jesus healed him anyway.  The same for me.

Exchange the “Why” for “What Can I Do Now?”

“Why” would have to go and take its bitterness and despair with it.  “What” would take its place. I wondered what specific things I could do to move forward in life. I read books about people who used their pain and misfortunes to help others.  Some started organizations or support groups; dedicated playgrounds or planted trees in honor of their loved one. Others impacted lives by being a friend or mentor to someone who is struggling.  There are myriads of positive things that can be done.     

Getting out of that dark pit of despair into the world of possibilities changed my life exponentially.  As I heard the uplifting stories from others, and shared mine, my outlook on life brightened. My depression lifted. I didn’t have to feel guilty about enjoying life.  I was doing something worthwhile; something that in the long run honored my child.

“What” pulled me out of the pit of despair onto a seat of power.  Not power in the sense that I was anyone special.  The power was the ability to be a part of a process that would affect people’s lives for the better.

“What” took the focus off of me and placed it on to others. I had renewed strength and vitality. I felt an energy I hadn’t experienced in years.  I could genuinely laugh and smile again. It was amazing.  Whenever I felt sad, I would rebound quicker.

Are you stuck on the “Why” merry-go-round, always moving but going nowhere?  Do you really want to be well?  If so, there is hope. When you are ready to reach out to others, the small piece of rope you are barely holding on to can be transformed into a lifeline for someone who is sinking. None of this happens overnight, yet it can happen.

If you decide to exchange the “Why” for the “What” it can be transformative, taking you from debilitating pain to a renewed sense of hope and purpose.  Take the risk.  You may surprise yourself with the positive impact you can have on others. You just have to take it one step at a time.

Questions for Reflection

Are there positive things you can see that have come out of your tragedy?

Do you want to get well? If not, why do you think you should live in a perpetual state of grief and loss?