Cynthia Cummings-Walker, Lifeandbibleblog.com
When Someone’s Child Has Passed Away
When learning of someone’s child death, knowing what to say or do can be confusing or downright scary. That is completely understandable.
I’m sure that people want to help or comfort the grieving parents. Yet, because they are unsure of what to do or say, they may end up saying or doing something that is hurtful instead of helpful.
I know from personal experience. Hopefully something here will ease some discomfort in interacting with a parent who is grieving.
When My Child Passed Away
“I loved Rachel from the very first beat of her heart, and I will love her until the last beat of mine.”
As I sat at my daughter’s bedside and watched her chest move up and down, slower, and slower until it stopped altogether, my precious Rachel was gone.
Then the physician came into the room and placed the stethoscope on her chest. He nodded and verified, yes, she had passed away. No!!!!!!!! This wasn’t right. This wasn’t fair.
Even though I knew for about three days that this was coming, the reality of it all left me in shock. It was all so surreal. As I looked down on Rachel’s beautiful peaceful face, I had to acknowledge it. She was gone, never to return.
It was like I was in nightmare that I couldn’t wake up from.
A Parent’s Worst Nightmare
A child passing away is in a completely different category than a parent, sibling, spouse, relative or friend who dies. Of course it hurts and loved ones grieve. The pain and loss is different when someone’s child passes away.
This is not the way the world is designed to function. Children are supposed to outlive their parents. Right? I felt like the normal cycle of life had somehow malfunctioned and I was outliving my child. It all seemed so unfair.
2 Very Important Things to Remember
People wanted to comfort me. Some helped and some caused hurt. Not deliberately. They just didn’t know what to do or say. Here are a couple of things to realize right from the start:
- There is nothing that can be said or done to fix the situation. Their child is gone, never to return.
- The amount of contact you have with the parents should be in line with how well you knew them before their child passed away.
10 Things You Can Say or Do That Can Help Parents Whose Child Passed Away.
- Formulate a plan.
- The fewer the words, the better. There is less of a chance to hurt or offend: Saying “I’m so sorry for your loss.” or “I love you.” or “I’m praying for you.” can be comforting.
- Hugs can help if appropriate. Gestures can speak louder than words.
- Take cues from the parents. Give the parent space until they feel comfortable enough to communicate.
- When visiting, keep the visit short.
- Be an attentive listener. Some parents want to talk about their child without interruption or unsolicited advice. It’s difficult just listening, yet it can help.
- Sending flowers, cards and notes can let a parent know that you care and are thinking about them.
- Take or send something to the grieving family. Examples: a meal, finger foods, fruit, paper cups, plates, napkins, tissue, bottled water, or anything else you may think of.
- Order a meal from a restaurant and have it delivered to their home.
- Do something special to memorialize their child. Example: Someone gave me a small figurine of a little girl angel. It reminded me of my daughter and meant a lot to me. Be creative if you want to do something special.
In Conclusion
Kind and thoughtful words and actions can go a long way in trying to comfort grieving parents. There is no timetable for how long a parent will grieve. Don’t believe the “stages of grief ” scenario. Grief has no timetable or end date.
There is no such thing as someone “getting over” their child passing away. We learn to move forward in life, focusing on what remains rather than what has been lost.
A Word to the Wise 